© 1994 Ann Bendall B.A., Dip. Psyche
© 1994 The Brotherhood of Man Library
The need for children to establish acceptable behavioural patterns is indisputable. The manner in which it achieved is critical to the well-being of the child. The Urantia Book explains the “family conference” method that Jesus utilized with his family, which is an excellent technique, currently encouraged as one of the better methods of family discipline by psychologists. However, for any method to be effective (including hitting the child over the head with a hammer to teach them not to be cruel), four critical pre-essentials are:
If a parent has not all of the above four, no method of discipline will be effective. Any deficiency of these attributes impacting during the child’s early years, may quite possibly rebound on the parent with a vengeance during adolescence.
The Urantia Book points out a step by step way to acquire all of these essential prerequisites —simply model Jesus. Follow carefully how his parents handled his formative years to develop trust, love, respect, independence and decision making, etc. Look at the way they encouraged his inquiring mind. As parents, they were a psychologist’s dream of the ‘ideal.’ They went through the tough period when their baby son was a walking question mark; perturbed by his expressions of independence and intellect at times, they asked his reasons and accepted, respectfully, his responses.
Realistic values and beliefs as to what a person is, a child is, and a parent is.
Go to Jesus; look at the young man, acquire his beliefs, values, attitudes to life, God, himself and his family, and his parenting strategies. His brothers and sisters were active all day every day. They were encouraged to have friends, responsibilities, and they were loved, respected and helped to develop as individuals by their father/brother. And all the while he was watching. How did he know when and where to assist in character moulding? Simply by playing with them, and playing with there a great deal. Then when it came to discipline, he was able to draw on his “storehouse of good will” and his discipline was effective.
Acceptance of yourself and high self-esteem.
If you don’t accept yourself you will never accept another person, including your child. As a person with high self-esteem, by the pure fact that you are a very much loved child of God, you avoid seeking from others that which you can only find within, through your Thought Adjuster.
Appropriate ways of interacting.
This is a whole area in itself. Good communication skills are essential.
You will need the acceptance of your children, as they are, who they are, coupled with excellent listening skills, empathy, and an ability to clarify whose problem is whose within the family. As you model your skills, so will your children learn them.
A big “storehouse of good will.”
Right throughout Jesus’ early life he was in the constant presence of either his mother or his father. He had his sand tray, his paper and crayons, and his parents ensured that he had lots of play-friends. However, the good will essential to enable parents to effectively discipline their children, and to carry effective discipline through adolescence, is established not from solitary play or play with friends, but through play with parents.
Jesus went for lots of walks with his parents, was read to, and was constantly in their company. He really got to know them—and they, him. He learnt from his mum, when he was eight, how to make cheese, how to milk the cow, and how to weave—which means they must have spent lots of time together. With his dad, he played in the carpenter shop, probably “pretending” to be a carpenter—and his father played along, with him.
We are told that, in manhood, Jesus ensured that there were bricks and sand in the corner of his shop to entertain the little children who loved to visit him at work; and how they so loved it if he stopped and told them stories which made them laugh. It appears he was actively encouraging, supervising and participating with the kids in their play pursuits. This is the critical ingredient which amasses good will with children.
Before any set of techniques can be assumed to work effectively, parents require a “storehouse of good will” on which to draw when resolving conflicts with their children. Joseph and Mary had this good will with Jesus, and Jesus, as Joseph’s substitute, established a “storehouse” with his brothers and sisters. In the same way as in Jesus’ family, this accumulates as you spend quality time with your children; reading them books, cuddling them, telling them stories, playing games with them, taking them on picnics or other excursions, supporting their sporting interests, showing-interest in their problems, and generally conveying to your children that you love them, value and enjoy their company and are interested in their welfare.
However, in playing, do just that! Don’t tell them how to play, play with them! Get down to their level, cognitively and physically, and laugh together, think together and make memories together. Remember that they are children. Their cognitive development is such that they cannot process adult directions or concepts. They will go through various stages: stages described in The Urantia Book in relation to Jesus’ own mental development (just the same as every normal child). But play is play. As players together, power must be equalized.
Time for establishing, that “storehouse of good will” is short. By adolescence, the opportunity to accumulate your supply has passed. For most children and their parents in modern society, the pull of peers has become too strong. Up to that age, playing with your children is their greatest desire, and potentially your most rewarding activity. Have the fun of re-living your own childhood, or experiencing it for the first time if you had an unhappy one. Enjoy the company of your child!
It is during these periods of play with your children that they will develop their basic ideas about you. Most significantly, they will reach a decision about the degree to which you have a genuine concern for them. It is within such a context that children will then interpret your use of disciplinary techniques.
Parents’ interactions with their children must not be restricted to those where it is the parents’ intention to change some behaviour of their child which they see as unacceptable. Some parents convey to their children, during most of their interactions, that they see the children as dumb, only to be partially trusted; or as lesser beings without dignity to be manipulated at will. If this is the case, it is unlikely that any techniques representative of any model of behaviour management and discipline will be successful.
For example, when children are meant to express their genuine concerns freely, a parent who does not convey a sense of concern for them will be unlikely to engage the children in a meaningful problem-solving discussion. Without trust of the parent’s motivation, the child’s involvement will be at best superficial. Similarly, if a parent is “coming on strong” in accordance with a more authoritarian approach, children are more likely to resist if they believe that the parent has not got their best interests at heart.
The problem of a depleted “storehouse of good will” may be more frequently associated with fathers than with mothers. Father, who may come home late at night, not only has little chance to develop a storehouse but also finds that the minute he arrives home he is expected to start drawing on whatever good will he has in order to deal with his children’s misbehaviour—“Just you wait until your father gets home. He will deal with you!”
Although the need for a storehouse will be obvious to some, it is interesting to note that many parents are unwilling or unable to put themselves out for their children. Recent studies show that, on average, fathers are unlikely to spend much time actually playing with their children, and, surprisingly, mothers spend only a little more time than fathers do. Most of the time which parents spend with their children is devoted to their dressing, feeding, bathing, etc. These findings seem to suggest that nowadays, with both parents working, or in many single parent families, parents may find themselves holding down a job, keeping house as well as trying to safeguard some of their own leisure time. In such situations their need to develop good will with their children is often overlooked.
Where there is little opportunity for parents and children to enjoy time together, children will find ways of being noticed. Misbehaviour can be one of these ways. Attention-seeking, misbehaviour can result in parents spending a large amount of whatever time they do devote to their children in disciplining them. So there is little opportunity for parents and children to enjoy time together, and therefore the cycle continues.
And modern civilization is at a standstill in spiritual development and the safeguarding of the home institution. UB 81:6.25
Parents must devote the time to accumulating a “storehouse of good will” with their children. Harmony within the home, and the very survival of the home, “man’s supreme evolutionary acquirement and civilization’s only hope of survival” is dependent upon it. It is the basis whereby parents, as surrogates for God teach children about the love of the Father by the love they themselves display. Many people refuse to acknowledge the existence of God, and one of these reasons with the modern generation is “father” is a dirty word! Parents today must look carefully at themselves. Are they modelling sublime selfishness. If so, there is a high probability that they will produce selfish children, who still be the future adults of a selfish world! And are they modelling lack of respect for others? If so they will receive no respect from their children.