© 2004 Arlene and Buck Weimer
© 2004 The Urantia Book Fellowship
| Meditation in The Urantia Book, Jesus Style | Volume 5, Number 2, 2004 (Summer) — Index | Room In My Heart |
(Below is a restatement of a workshop presented at the Summer Study Session in East Stroudsburg, PA on July 18, 2003. It was presented by Arlene and Buck Weimer, with loving assistance from Sara Blackstock, in 2 parts: “The Art of Marriage” and “Family Meetings and Discipline.”)
The Creator Son and Universe Mother Spirit of Nebadon issued their “Proclamation of Equality” [UB 33:3.5,6] after She acknowledged subordination to Him, and He acknowledged eternal dependence on Her. They have equality in all endowments of personality, attributes of divine character, and authority, and are co-creators, co-rulers, co-operative, co-ordinate, and co-directors. This is the universe pattern for marriage—in order to have equality, each must “give” something to achieve it. Otherwise, some form of dominant/submissive relationship exists.
Sex equality is, of course, the norm on all advanced worlds because each is equal in mind endowment and spiritual status. On some planets, the male may rule in the early stages of development, while on others the female will rule. But no planet is considered having emerged from the stage of barbarism so long as one gender tyrannizes the other.
Alas, complete understanding between these two different varieties of our species is unattainable. As we seek for unity rather than uniformity, awareness of the differences is critical:
| THE CREATOR SON, MICHAEL: |
THE UNIVERSE MOTHER SPIRIT |
|---|---|
| Is the deliverer in the face of evil, insurrection, and rebellion. He can transcend time, but not space. | Is active in ministry for the welfare of mortals and can transcend space, not time. |
| HUMAN MALES | HUMAN FEMALES |
| Are “reasoners,” more logical, use longer time frames, view reality from the outside, and are more aggressive and adventurous. | Are “relaters,” more intuitive, use shorter time frames, view reality from the inside, and are more nurturing and maternal. |
The first stage of an evolving relationship is the “Romance Stage.” At this stage the feeling of love is always present, you view your spouse as perfect, and mutual decision-making is easy. The second stage is the stage of “Disillusionment,” when you begin to react to the newly perceived imperfections, differences, changes, and stressors. Separation begins to occur as one or each spouse makes relationship decisions independent of the other. The work of love requires mutually agreed upon “decisions, decisions, and more decisions,” followed by the act of rebuilding the trust and respect. The third stage is the “Renewal” of intimacy and passion in the relationship. Every mutually agreed upon decision results in closeness while independent decision making creates misery and eventual separation. This renewed love must be constantly redefined at each new stage and is the foundation for a willingness to resolve differences.
Conflict resolution requires a willing desire to communicate, and some important personal and relationship skills.
Integrating the personal skill of assertiveness into our character growth is necessary and important. It requires that we display respect for self and the free will of others, while recognizing the fragment of God within. This means, of course, we have established personal “boundaries,” and clearly communicate this “line in the sand.”
An important couple skill is having the rules for fair fighting. The goal is to negotiate an “our way” solution based on the “highest good” for both. First, separate if angry and calm down before returning at an agreed upon time to clarify feelings and thoughts. Focus on one conflict at a time. Listening skills are critical. Each person needs to quiet his or her own mind while making a sincere effort to understand the other person’s position with compassion. It is helpful if each partner repeats their partner’s position to ensure understanding, which leads to tolerance, friendship, love, and forgiveness. Using “I,” rather than “you” language is helpful in this effort. Seek resolution through brainstorming possible solutions, then negotiate, negotiate, negotiate until an agreed-upon decision is achieved for a win-win conclusion that is acceptable to both partners. Failure to achieve resolution is often the downfall of a relationship. This usually means one or both spouses have a “hidden agenda” or something or someone is more important than their relationship and their love.
The Art of Marriage can be best concluded with this quote: “Marriage, with children and consequent family life, is stimulative of the highest potentials in human nature . . . patience, altruism, tolerance, and forbearance . . . brotherhood among all men.” [UB 84:7.28]
As decision-making is important for each individual in doing the Father’s will and for determining the course of a relationship, so is decision-making equally important for the overall well-being of a family. “Human society would be greatly improved if the civilized races would more generally return to the family-council practices of the Andites.” [UB 84:7.29]
Establishing family meetings represents a paradigm shift in parenting, on many levels; i.e., weekly physical gatherings, intellectual sharing of ideas, spiritual equality, and social democracy. It teaches the balance between the self and the selfless while giving children the experience of adjusting their emerging egos for the welfare of the family. Life-long attitudes are adopted when children learn to negotiate for what they want, rather than scream and yell or be quietly submissive. Family meetings foster teamwork and solidify family identity. It is a time to agree upon family rules and the consequences when the rules are broken or exceeded.
The most crucial factor in family meetings is for both parents to be united, “joined at the hip,” and committed to the long-term endeavor because most children will initially try to sabotage the process until they experientially know the family meetings work. Discuss your intentions with the children, or child, beforehand, then establish the day of the week, time, and place. Have a notebook to write down every decision made (children have wonderfully selective memories) along with the date. These notebooks will become wonderful heirlooms.
| Some Family Meeting Do’s |
|---|
| Invite all family members |
| Have some structure, Robert’s Rules |
| Have a rotational leadership |
| Keep meetings short, 40 minutes |
| Begin on time |
| Discuss only family issues |
| Decision made by consensus only |
| Each vote equal to another |
| Consistency and more consistency |
| Some Family Meeting Don’ts |
| — |
| Be a required meeting |
| Dictate the rules |
| Food, TV, music, cell phones |
| Allow one person to dominate |
| Complaint session, personal issues |
| Meetings don’t happen as scheduled |
| No decisions made |
| One parent avoids being there |
| Decisions not upheld |
Family meetings evolve over time. Follow the “book” rules at first, but as your family grows, it will develop its own identity on how to conduct meetings as everyone learns each other’s strengths and weaknesses, “games,” and hidden agendas. Consensus decision making becomes easier over time and will be made in many creative ways. As a general rule, when brainstorming for a negotiated decision, don’t allow one child to disagree with another until or unless that child presents an alternative choice. (One very good book is: A Family Meeting Handbook: Achieving Family Harmony, by Bob Slagle.)
Discipline is one of the “hot” buttons in parenting, so again it is crucial for both parents to be unified and on the same page. One of the primary purposes of discipline is to teach self-mastery. Christ Michael, when teaching on Urantia, used the authoritative method, and always taught in the positive. Authoritative teaching is somewhere in the middle between authoritarian or laissez-faire. Authoritative means to show, authoritarian means to tell, and laissez-faire means noninterference. What is your choice?
A parent doesn’t have to agree with or like the decisions made by a child, but it is important to respect and foster the free will of a child—after the arrival of the Thought Adjuster. Differentiate between the child as a person, and the child’s behavior, and communicate that it is the behavior that is not acceptable. Important to good disciplining is for parents to have a well-developed self-discipline “…wise fathers do not punish in anger.” [UB 188:4.10]
Family Meetings and the Respect Method of discipline offer a “win-win” situation for parents and children, thus avoiding the always-damaging power-struggle that children often carry into adult life.
“The Art of Marriage” and “Family Meetings and Discipline” are two chapters in a manuscript making its way through a small portion of the Urantia community that may someday evolve into a curriculum for “Preparation for Marriage and Family.”
Arlene was a good Jewish girl from Brooklyn and Buck was a rebellious guy from a small town in Pennsylvania when they met on a Caribbean island in 1964. They married in 1970, traveled extensively, and then settled in Pueblo, CO, in 1974. Along with co-creating three sons (Jon, Matt, and Adam, now adults) they established careers: Arlene as a psychologist and Buck as a Clinical Therapist at a local hospital. They have been readers of The Urantia Book and devoted to its teachings since 1972.
Almost everything of lasting value in civilization has its roots in the family. [UB 68:2.8]
| Meditation in The Urantia Book, Jesus Style | Volume 5, Number 2, 2004 (Summer) — Index | Room In My Heart |