© 1994 Barry D. Bradley
© 1994 The Fellowship for readers of The Urantia Book
By Barry D. Bradley, Largo, Florida
Editor’s Note: This article is a candid conversation with a group of teenagers who have grown up in middle-class America. Their common bond is growing up in a single-parent household. Life’s responsibilities have been thrust on them early. They are shy about spirituality. Two of the teens have grown up with The Urantia Book, having spent many an evening listening to adults study the text in their livingroom. As these two teens experience the consequences of their choices, their interest in God and their relationship to their Creator begins to show. But it is private, something only occasionally shared with theirmother. With their friends, they are too cool to show any such feelings. One friend told them that God doesn’t love felons, and when they related this to their mother, they listened intently as she read from The Urantia Book the words of hope and comfort which Jesus spoke to the thief on the cross. We’re including these private thoughts of teens in this issue of The Herald to show what parents and teens are confronted with in the 90s. It’s an awesome task guiding a child safely into adulthood and conscious choice to cooperate with the Thought Adjuster. Perhaps by listening we may be able to find a way to better share our own hard-earned knowledge with our teens.
The teenager shifts uneasily as he answers some difficult questions about life, sex, drugs and the pressures of growing up in the 90s. He doesn’t want to be here in the seat next to me, and he doesn’t want to answer my intrusive questions.
There’s an underlying mistrust of grown-ups and our intentions. Only when you gain his trust will he speak candidly.
Sure, we baby boomers had some sex, drugs and booze as teenagers, but we weren’t surrounded by it. Nor did we carry guns to school.
Things are different now.
We shocked our parents by wearing long hair, funny clothes and listening to music that didn’t make any sense, and in some cases it still doesn’t (like Wooly Bully or Louie-Louie).
But is today’s teenage environment that much different? Sure, the boys wear earrings and the girls wear tattoos, but can they really do anything we didn’t do in the 50s, 60$ s or 70s ?
Our generation invented drugs, for crying out loud. We invented today’s music, along with the prevailing disrespect and mistrust for all adults.
We also invented our teens, intricate puzzles of conflicting emotions, on-and-off again communications, and threats of unfulfilled potential. How did we emerge safely from that paradox of growth? And how can we help our teens safely grow through this vulnerable stage?
In an effort to get their point of view about grown-ups and growing up, we interviewed five teens. Some of the answers will be ordinary. Others will be shocking.
Perhaps surprisingly, they are concemed about universal issues like poli.tics, overpopulation, AIDS and the national debt. They are concerned about grades, parties and peer pressure. And, sadly, they are worried about getting shot at school.
The five teenagers are unremarkable as a group. You can see them on any corner, hanging around. Individually, however, they display an intellect that belies their years.
Becky is a pretty 14 -year-old with a sharp mind and a “Valley Girl” attitude. Any question or statement is likely to be followed by “Huh,” which is teenage shorthand for “I’m not paying attention to you.” She can be as feminine and charming as a kitten. She can also beat up most of the boys in the neighborhood.
Grayson, 16, is quiet, reserved and intellectual. He is the unofficial leader of the group, and he has natural leadership potential. But at his awkward age, more time is spent in front of the TV than on any intellectual pursuits.
Cory — or Coco to her best friends — is 15. She has a particular maturity, perhaps because she has a younger brother that she has had to oversee in her single-parent household.
Melvin is 20 and black and smart. His rough-and-tumble upbringing has given him a sharp edge and a quick mind. He’s always ready to help, and deals with others in a straightforward, no-nonsense manner.
J.D. is 18. He comes from a mixed race family. He found himself — and his identity — with one of the local gangs. That’s behind him now, but he still bears the tattoo and the mentality of his gang days. Nevertheless, he is smart, and will succeed because of his fist-in-your-face attitude. Like the others, he doesn’t look for trouble, but when it comes, he won’t back down.
What follows is an edited transcript of those individual interviews.
STUDY GROUP HERALD: Do you think it’s harder for teenagers to grow up in the 90 s than it was for previous generations?
BECKY: Yes. There are new problems to deal with. There’s all this debt and everybody worries about everything. And the adults feel the pressure and sometimes they take it out on us.
CORY: I feel that it’s harder now because teenagers are having to grow up faster. And they’re facing more problems now.
GRAYSON: I can say it’s definitely harder now. People don’t expect much from teenagers. The grown-ups don’t think we’re going to amount to anything. We don’t get much support except from our friends.
J.D.: I thinkit’s harder now. There’s a lot of peer pressure to fit in, and teenagers worry about more things than grown-ups realize.
MELVIN: Things are harder now because of gangs. And because I’m older, everybody comes to me for guidance. But who do I go to? you?
MELVIN: The police think I’m in a gang because I used to hang with gang people. But I’m not. I don’t go looking for trouble. I don’t need to be in a gang because I can stand up for myself.
J.D.: I used to hang out with (the Latin Kings) … smoke some pot, drink a few beers and go party. It’s a form of protection. My gang friends are like a part of my family. And when you’re in a gang, you’re in it for life.
HERALD: What about drugs?
BECKY: Drugs aren’t a problem for me. I tried (drugs) a couple of times and I didn’t like it. But there’s no pressure to do it. I have a couple of friends who are pot-heads and I don’t want to be like them.
“There’s a lot of violence in school … even in a good school.”
Cory
GRAYSON: Drugs are everywhere. I have a lot of pressure from friends to do drugs, mostly pot and LSD. And I’ve done marijuana. Liked it. But I wouldn’t need it to fit in if it wasn’t around.
MELVIN: A lot of my friends do drugs. I’ve done a few. But if I don’t want to do any, my friends respect that.
J.D.: There are so many drugs out there now. My friends used to say you’re a geek if you didn’t do drugs. But teenagers have gotten smarter. I do a few drugs now … mostly acid and a few brews with the guys.
HERALD: What about pressures from school?
BECKY: The courses are fine if you pay attention and do your work. You can get through. But they’re kind of strict. About the worst thing I’ve done is call a teacher a bitch because she wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom.
“I think they should take all the guns in the world and get rid of them.”
Becky
CORY: There’s a lot of violence in school … even in a good school.
GRAYSON: Teachers have to favor you before you can get anywhere in their class. And friends are always pressuring you to skip school, do drugs and drink. It’s the pressure to fit in and be one of the crowd.
HERALD: Do many students bring guns to school?
BECKY: There are no guns in our school that I know of. Drugs, yes. Some kids bring drugs to school every day. I think they should take all the guns in the world and get rid of them. I don’t like guns.
CORY: There’s no reason for guns to be in a young person’s life. But there’s pressure not knowing if someone is carrying a gun or not. I don’t associate with people who carry guns. Some people just feel that a gun is their only form of protection.
GRAYSON: I know a few guys who bringguns to school, but not any of my friends. I don’t start fights, so I don’t have to watch my back But the thought has crossed my mind that a guy I just fought with will come back and want to kill you. That’s why you need a lot of friends … to watch your back.
“My friends used to say you’re a geek if you didn’t do drugs. But teenagers have gotten smarter.”
J.D.
HERALD: Are teenagers afraid of other teenagers?
GRAYSON: Not really. But you have to be careful. If I’m walking down to the store, somebody will yell something out the window of a car. If you say anything back, you will start a fight. You don’t say anything, you don’t look back. You just ignore it.
BECKY: It’s nice to have friends watching your back.
J.D.: It’s all about being streetsmart. And you have to watch your back No one else will do it for you.
HERALD: What about sex? Is there a lot of pressure?
BECKX: If I meet a guy I like, I tell him from the beginning. I’m scared to do it. I’m only 14 , so they don’t really try anything.
GRAYSON: It’s not as big a problem as most people think With AIDS and the possibility of getting some girl pregnant, you have to watch what you do. But there’s no pressure (to have sex).
MELVIN: I worry about diseases. There’s too much out there. You don’t know who has it.
HERALD? Are teenagers concerned about AIDS?
J.D.: Yes. I haven’t slept with anybody but my girlfriend. We all know AIDS is a serious thing. I know a lot of females that are more scared of AIDS than they are of getting pregnant.
CORY: It worries me. And it prevents me from doing things that, at the moment, I want to do. When it comes right down to it, no one thinks they will get it. The only answer is to have no sex at all. But that’s unreasonable.
HERALD: Do you think grown-ups misunderstand teenagers?
GRAYSON: Yes. We don’t do half the stuff they blame us for. And they don’t give us a chance. They stereotype us. They don’t talk to us. And it’s unfair that they prejudge us. They don’t know what goes on in our minds … what we really think. They should get to know us. They would find out we’re not as bad as we seem.
HERALD: Is it tougher to grow up in a single-parent household?
“I don’t need to be in a gang because I can stand up for myself.”
Melvin
BECKY: Yes, it’s harder. You don’thave two parents bringing money in. And the discipline isn’t that strong, especially when my mom is away from home working. I think I need more discipline. I wouldn’t like it, but I probably need it.
CORY: My father moved out when I was 4 years old. That made things a lot harder on my mother. And it made it harder on me. My mom was out trying to support me, and I had to be a mom for my younger brother. I had to grow up young. But I had to do it for my mom.
GRAYSON: It’s definitely harder on my mother. And it makes it harder on the kids, too.
“The grown-ups don’t think we’re going to amount to anything.”
Grayson
MELVIN: I tend to say I hate my dad. But I don’t hate him for being my father. I hate him for what he is. My mom had to make it on her own … with three kids.
J.D.: It would have been a lot easier if I had a father at home. I haven’t talked to him since I was 10 . There was no one to give me any discipline … no one to tell me right from wrong.
HERALD: If you could choose one thing to change in your life, what would it be?
CORY: I wouldn’t have done the things I did to lose my mother’s trust.
GRAYSON: I would want to have a father-figure. I’m sure it would help my mom raise two teenagers. And I don’t think it would hurt us (his sister) to have a little more discipline.
J.D.: I would not have gotten involved with a gang. And I wouldn’t have denied half of my culture.
BECKY: I would change the way I’ve done in school. I know I can do it, but I’m just too lazy. This year I’m going to do better.