© 2013 Chaz Wesley
© 2013 Association Francophone des Lecteurs du Livre d'Urantia
By filling each page of this collection, I might be able to describe the emotions I felt when I was told, “You have cancer.” It would take a hundred other collections to contain my feelings when I was told, “You also have multiple sclerosis.” It is impossible to describe the effects on the body of spinal taps, steroid treatments, and 49 pills a day, or the effects on the mood of severe anemia and clinical depression. I could tell you all the things that went wrong, but what a boring story that would be!
Instead, let me share the following story. On a cold day in the year 2000, while I was bored to death watching the fan on the ceiling spin, I reluctantly turned my head to look out the window at the raindrops soaking the ground. Faced with one’s own mortality, clinically depressed, the last thing one wants is a rainy day.
For over a year, I had repeated this age-old mantra: “I’m sick of being sick.” Then, in a defining moment of clarity, as I stared at the rain outside my window, I realized how certain I was of what I didn’t want. I didn’t want cancer, multiple sclerosis, exhaustion, depression, any more than I wanted rain!
As I struggled to the toilet, I snagged and knocked over my mother’s cosmetic bag (which I had inherited for some reason after she died of cancer only a few weeks after my own cancer diagnosis). Picking up the contents, I laboriously lifted my head to stare at the vanity mirror.
Looking in the mirror, I noticed, from this perspective, the place that each object occupied in the room. Everything was the opposite of what I perceived. I also realized that my gaunt face and my pained expression were the opposite of everything I wanted. Using my mother’s eyeliner that I picked up from the floor and without really understanding why, I wrote in the mirror the opposite of what I saw: “As a child of the Most High, it is natural that I know health and well-being.”
Unity co-founder Myrtle Fillmore made such a statement, which ultimately cured her of tuberculosis. At the time, however, I did not know about Unity or Myrtle’s healing story. I did not even take what I had written as a statement. Instead, I had come to the unceremonious realization that my current reality did not explain why I was here or how I wanted to live the rest of my days on this planet.
In this simple statement of Truth, written in eyeliner in the mirror, I understood that my current experience was a response to the old, tiresome story I had been telling myself. By focusing my attention on the illness, I was telling the story over and over again to anyone who would listen, to myself, and ultimately to every cell in my body. The reason for my exhaustion was now blindingly obvious. I began to understand that such a damaging story was not conducive to my well-being. I had believed the myth that my illness was greater than my entire Being. I now realized that it was not worth continuing this story. My illnesses were considered “incurable” only because I accepted it. My body’s ability to heal came from knowing that it was possible to heal and giving it permission to do so. In this moment of awareness, I understood that my energy flowed where I focused my attention.
I let go of my anger-laden judgments and stopped fighting the disease. They were just forms of self-punishment that only weakened me further. There is no point in fighting for what you want, because it is in the struggle that suffering emerges.
I had prayed fervently for cancer and multiple sclerosis to be healed, only to find that the disease needed no healing. In its very state of being, it is complete and needs no cure. By gently releasing any thoughts of resistance, I stopped working against the disease and began to align with my natural wholeness.
I eventually discovered Unity and learned about the healing affirmations of Myrtle Fillmore. For the past decade, I have been honored to serve as chaplain and minister of music at Unity Church of Christianity in Tulsa, Oklahoma. After 25 years of ministry, I retired a year ago, ending my weekly service to the congregation. I am now in private practice as a transformational coach and speaker.
I’m sure most of my former congregation and quite a few friends would say, “I never heard you talk about your illness.” To which I would reply, “Great! So I continued to tell only the truth.”
I rarely refer to my journey as one of healing. For me, it was an awakening. It was not the instant end of an illness; rather, it was the end of my search for healing. I simply allowed my birthright to wellness to take its rightful place.
Since that rainy day thirteen years ago when I looked in the mirror and wrote the Truth on the face of the dying man looking back at me, I have had the grace to awaken each morning to the Presence of the Holy Being and the Fullness of Life!
_Reverend Chaz Wesley, renowned keynote speaker and facilitator, interfaith ordained minister, author and columnist, provides grief counseling and transformational coaching in Tulsa, Oklahoma. You can contact Chaz at: http://chazwesley.com
Chaz Wesley