© 2012 Rosette Poletti and Barbara Dobbs
© 2012 French-speaking Association of Readers of the Urantia Book
| In the footsteps of Jesus (fiction) | Le Lien Urantien — Issue 60 — Autumn 2012 | Belgian meeting August 19, 2012 |
Interpersonal communication is based directly on the internal dialogue of the people involved. If our inner parent constantly condemns and scolds us, the content of our communication with others will reflect this state of affairs. We will tend to “apologize for existing”, “we will erase ourselves for the benefit of others”, “we will be afraid of disturbing others”, “we will tend to manipulate rather than directly ask for what we need”, “we will complain instead of taking responsibility for our reality” and above all, “we will be very afraid of having to assert ourselves in front of others, speak in public, refuse a service or take our place among others”.
On the contrary, when the internal dialogue is positive, when it is made of permissions, of appreciations, we have the possibility of communicating simply, clearly and without fear with those around us. Thus, self-esteem increases when the internal dialogue - what we say to ourselves about ourselves - changes and we give ourselves “permissions”. The more self-esteem increases, the more communication with others becomes satisfying. By a feedback effect, knowing how to communicate clearly and positively tends to further increase self-esteem.
Readjusting erroneous thoughts
The inner dialogue of someone with low self-esteem is usually made up of negative messages received in childhood and stored in their memory. The person with low self-esteem has developed an incorrect thought process. It is essential to identify these erroneous thought patterns in order to change them.
“A person with low self-esteem develops a lifestyle that he or she becomes accustomed to. It becomes a familiar habit.” This is, in part, why so many people admit that they are not happy, that they are not living the life they would like to live, so many people suffer from low self-esteem and, despite this realization, they do nothing specific to get out of the unpleasant situation in which they find themselves.
For many people, one of the major obstacles to experiencing something else is fear: fear of going down an unknown road, fear of what others will think, fear of not knowing, of not being able, fear of failing, fear of losing what they have! These fears are often linked to the erroneous ideas mentioned in the previous chapter, by ignoring what is positive, by generalizing, by exaggerating the dangers or possible consequences of a change. By criticizing oneself or blaming others, there is a good chance that the person will get stuck in their tracks and not make any changes in their life. Hence the importance of flushing out erroneous thought processes!
Taking responsibility for your life means determining the actions to take to live what we want to live and above all to act, to move forward. Taking control of your life means first of all fully realizing that “there is no Santa Claus”. No one will come and save us from our responsibility to take our lives in hand! It is each of us, personally, who is responsible for our lives, for our future.
1) What do I want for myself?
In other words: “What is important to me, what are the priorities in my life, what makes sense to me?” If, for me, the priority is to live in harmony with one or more people who respect me, support me and love me and I do not experience this situation, what are the possible changes, what are the solutions? If I need to do interesting work where I can use my creativity and I do not have such work, what can I do about it?
Finally, if I don’t live where I would like to live and it weighs on me, what solution can I find?
It is not always possible to have what we want, of course, but it is even less certain to get there when we do not really know what we want. Clearly defining what we want for ourselves means getting out of doubts, out of the doldrums, it means getting back on our feet and increasing our self-esteem. Clearly defining what we want reduces the feeling of helplessness or resignation.
“There is no favorable wind for the ship that does not know its port.” (Seneca)
2) What do I ask of others?
Achieving one’s goals, moving towards what each person wants for themselves generally involves reaching out to others, to those around them. If I want to be treated with respect, I probably need to ask that of those around me. To make this request, I must identify what I really want, before I can express it. A precise request generally brings a precise and satisfactory response. Identifying what we want to ask of others and formulating this request reduces the anger and resentment that we may feel towards others who do not seem to “see” what we want.
3) What do I have to give up?
I will not be able to get everything I want for myself, the other will not respond positively to all my requests. This is why I need to mourn, to let go of a certain number of desires. Deciding to give up something, to mourn, to let go, is what allows you to go beyond, to leave an uncomfortable position where you feel “sitting between two chairs”! Mourning, letting go to go further reduces the feeling of sadness, of stagnation that exists when you are caught in an impasse.
Many people confuse “self-esteem” with “self-centeredness.” They want to avoid self-love and focus only on loving others. This is a profound error.
“Love your neighbor as yourself.” Thus, poor self-esteem, a lack of self-love does not allow you to fully and freely love your neighbor. The love offered to others by a person who does not love themselves quickly slips into manipulation. On the other hand, the better a person’s self-esteem, the greater their capacity for love and compassion for others. It is this security, this inner serenity, specific to those who know they are loved and who feel competent, which allows them to fully support others without getting lost in their suffering and difficulties. Surprisingly, compassion is more often shown by people with good self-esteem and, at the same time, the more it is shown, the more, in turn, it serves as fuel for self-esteem.
Showing compassion means taking daily actions differently, having an attitude of unconditional positive acceptance towards those we meet, listening to them more intensely, refraining from finishing their sentences or anticipating what they are going to say, being truly present for them, refraining from any judgment and deciding to show interest and understanding for what they are going through.
Better still, as adults, the more we develop our ability to be compassionate, the more we allow ourselves to be “touched” by what others are experiencing, the more we feel “adequate”, in our place in the world and the more we can value ourselves.
Compassion, like convictions, awareness, taking responsibility are manifestations of self-esteem and simultaneously sources of self-esteem. The more we develop our capacity for compassion, the more we increase our self-esteem.
It is integrating one’s values, beliefs and ideals into one’s daily life and behavior. It is living with integrity.
When we behave in ways that conflict with what we believe to be right and valid, we are not respecting ourselves. We need values to guide our lives and integrity to live harmoniously and to develop our self-esteem.
Honoring one’s convictions means being able to identify them, give them value and live in accordance with them. It also means looking at them closely and analyzing them.
Being an adult also means considering your religious heritage and daring to question deadly rules and dogmas.
Honoring one’s convictions also means being consistent, keeping one’s word, being in agreement with one’s moral values and avoiding dubious compromises. All of this allows one to respect oneself as a person and to be respected by others.
Finally, honoring one’s convictions means giving oneself the right to take into account one’s spiritual dimension, it means giving oneself the right to nourish this essential part of oneself through meditation, reading sacred texts, prayer, community celebration. It means accepting oneself in all one’s human dimensions.
Honoring your convictions increases your self-esteem.
Other tools to develop self-esteem
Other paths can help you travel this path and live growing day after day. (editor’s note: symbolism of the tree)
These are “tools for the mind.” Their purpose is to help change a core belief. The word affirmation comes from the term “affirmare” which means “to hold firm,” “to give strength,” “to make strong.” This implies agreement, consent, an inner desire to say yes to what we are affirming. An affirmation can be defined as a positive thought or idea that we can consciously focus on in order to produce a desired result.
An affirmation is a practical and simple way to change old messages that we no longer need. It is an empowering tool that reinforces the desire or decision to say “yes.” It is a way of speaking positively to ourselves, increasing self-esteem.
In order to begin the process of change within ourselves and increase our self-esteem, it is necessary to accept two postulates:
(to be continued)
Rosette Poletti and Barbara Dobbs
| In the footsteps of Jesus (fiction) | Le Lien Urantien — Issue 60 — Autumn 2012 | Belgian meeting August 19, 2012 |